Posted in Hope

When death is the only hope…

My maternal grandmother, Marquerite, died yesterday morning. Her death was the only hope of our reconciliation. I had not seen or spoken to her in 18 years ~ my oldest child met her once, but thankfully doesn’t remember it. My husband and my other two children had never met her. Marquerite struggled with paranoid schizophrenia. In my unprofessional opinion, it was a result of chemical inbalances in her brain and years of physical and sexual abuse, first from her parents – then her husband – then her son. She was also physically handicapped; her right knee cap had rotted from multiple injuries that were never taken care of, so when she married, her Army husband had it removed and the bones fused together. She could not bend her leg at all; she wore a specially made built up shoe to walk. When Grandma was on her medications, she was a wonderful woman. She knew Jesus as her personal Friend ~ she loved her 4 grandchildren (my siblings and I) to distraction ~ she played Simon Says and Mother May I? up and down our driveway summer after summer ~ she taught us card games and funny songs and crafts. When Grandma was not on her medications, she was a horrible woman. What faith she had disappeared ~ she fought with her grandchildren, daughter, and son-in-law as if we were trying to kill her ~ she assaulted police officers ~ she attempted to assault my oldest child (who was 5 months old at the time). Grandma often went off her medication believing that Jesus would heal her ~ or that she didn’t need it ~ or that the doctor was trying to kill her. For the sake of my family, I drew boundaries that she could not cross. After that last time of seeing her, the one time we tried to talk over the phone left her thinking she was talking to my sister and being totally confused about who I was and who my family was. She mailed back pictures I sent her, including the letters, with pages and pages of nonsensical ramblings where she thought I was my mother. I couldn’t handle her physical presence or written/spoken presence in the life of my family, so I cut off contact. Now that she is in Heaven with her Savior, I believe she is whole again. Her mind is balanced and free of fear ~ her leg is fully functional ~ her wounds are healed ~ her spirit is well. When my family and I join her there someday, we’ll have the reconciliation we could not have on earth ~ the relationship with her that was never possible here. So, part of me rejoices in her death ~ that she is finally whole and the wonderful woman I caught glimpses of throughout my childhood. And, part of me mourns in her death ~ that my husband and children will never know her on earth, that she and I could not have and maintain the grandmother/granddaughter relationship I so longed for. I will remember the bright summer days of Simon Says and Mother May I? ~ of Sound of Music plays in the yard ~ of blackberry picking and creek swimming ~ and be thankful that I was blessed with a grandmother who, as much as she was able, pointed me to my Jesus.

Advertisements
Posted in Hope

The Purpose of Prayer

Prayer is a two-way conversation with God ~ you talk, He listens then He talks, you listen.

When we pray, we benefit more from the time in His presence ~ listening ~ than we do from getting our prayers answered.

When we sit ~ when we wait ~ when we listen  to Him, the peace and joy of being in His presence is often times more sweet ~ more precious than the content of the conversation.

There is nothing like sitting with my LORD, pouring out my heart and asking my questions, then waiting for His response.

His nods let me know He’s listening ~

His words of comfort and mercy let me know He has heard my heart ~

His words of correction let me know He is helping my heart to be His ~

His answers to my questions let me know I can know Him, His ways, His thoughts ~

Just as He knows me, my ways, my thoughts.

I see the compassionate tears in His eyes as we talk about my hurts.

I see His righteous anger over injustices I’ve done and had done to me.

I see His loving censure as He corrects my disobedience.

I look into His eyes ~ I listen to his voice ~ I learn His body language ~

I begin to know my God and be known by Him as we sit and have conversation.