Posted in Faith

Faith is hard sometimes

I believe that God told me to quit my job at Union High School. Not only was the drive long, but gas prices were skyrocketing and my family time was being squelched. Also, I no longer agreed with the school’s mission or methods; it was time for me to go. I felt great peace when I quit; the relief was almost tangible.

I had lots of people ask me if I was crazy. Why would someone quit a job when the economy is this bad? How would I find another job? What if I couldn’t find a teaching job? Really, am I insane?

This past week, I’ve been very fearful. I thought for sure I’d have a job by now. I’m still trying to decide if I want to continue teaching… or write professionally… or work from home for more family time… and Satan is making me question myself: am I capable? employable? stupid for thinking God would talk to me?

See, money is starting to get very tight, and I still don’t know what God wants for me, and I see no money coming in. And I’m praying that He’ll provide, that I’ll only do what He wants…

And then I read this post, http://www.aholyexperience.com/, and I wonder if God is asking me to walk to the beat of a different drum.

Here’s what spoke to me most from this post: “catastrophizing is how we make our own soul-cages. That fear’s always the flee ahead.” … “Abide. Because it’s never about your capabilities. When you’re in covenant with Christ, it’s His responsibility to cover your cracks, to be all your competency and completeness. Inabilities, in Christ, are made all-sufficient, just-right abilities. Abandon worries — and wholly abide.” … “Waiting is just a gift of time in disguise — a time to pray wrapped up in a ribbon of patience — because is the Lord ever late.” … “Because on this whole spinning planet — this is the only rhythm that makes music: to do the will of the One whose heart beats at the center of the cosmos. Regardless of what anyone thinks of us. Maybe the genuine followers of Christ always march to their own drum — Thrum: I will walk with God. Thrum: Even if I walk different than everyone else. Was it just that he heard his name called down the canyons of his heart — and love compelled him to lunge forward? Love is never a trite feeling. Love is a wildfire in the bones, a burning flame willing to serve — willing to say yes. “Mom?” Malakai’s speaking to me — but he’s looking out the side window … Or within. “Do you think God’s calling our name too — all through our hearts — to come step out — and we’re just not listening?”

So, Lord, I’m listening ~ I’m waiting ~

I’m scared ~ but by faith, I’m trusting.

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Author:

I live with my college sweetheart and our three lovely (most days) children. I'm still discovering divine relationship with my Savior ~ learning about parenting and marriage ~ trying to become what I'm meant to be. Join me ~ if you will ~ and walk this journey with me.

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